Me: Don’t you wanna know how many people I’ve slept with?
Him: … for what?
Me: So you can know about my past..
Him: Are you sleeping with the people you’ve previously had sex with now?
Him: Would you like me to define you by the number of people you’ve had sex with?
Him: Well, to be honest, I really don’t care about how many people you’ve slept with before me. Whether it was a little or a lot, it still brought you right here. Without each and every one of those experiences I wouldn’t have who is standing before me now. If you want to tell me that’s fine, but think about why you want me to know, because whether you tell me or not it really doesn’t matter.
I did think about why I wanted to tell him. Why did I want him to know? Was there a message with telling him my body count? Was I trying to justify myself, prove myself, contradict myself, sabotage myself? What I realized is I was trying to say something that actually had nothing to do with my number. Instead it was about picking apart past decisions and making them relevant in my present. Why was I doing that though? I’m not the same person as when I owned my V-card. Hell, I’m not the same person I was in 2013 and that was only 4 months ago. Why is it that we try to make past experiences today’s issues? Why do we allow ourselves to press repeat on a punishment we’ve already endured? It’s interesting how often we bring up the past as if it has the right to be important again. Holding on to what is already done weighs us down, eats at us. You can find yourself reliving previous experiences all the way up until you’ve added in new shit. It begins to hold more significance than it had ever intended to. Letting go of the past allows you to feel the future with much more power and vitality. It allows you to see yourself for who you are today. It allows you to breathe full and deep without suffocating in your own made-up despair. The reason you did what you did back then is because you needed that then and now you need something different. The art is not mixing the two ;-)